More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
