Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
