I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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