i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
