and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I would fuck him just for his dog
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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