He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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