really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
