I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My liver just broke up with me...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
