Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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