I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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