I accidentally had phone sex last night
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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