Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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