God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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