wanna go halves on a baby?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
