He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
