My Higher Power is John Stamos
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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