Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
