I think I won the penis lottery.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I don't deserve a penis
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
