I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
splinters make it hard to masturbate
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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