I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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