Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
