Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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