I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
