i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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