hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
