Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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