When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
