Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
