we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
