i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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