Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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