I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
