Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
