how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
