people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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