we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
