Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
