I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
