I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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