i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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