dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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