I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
