my phone needs a breathalizer
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
