Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
