I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
