The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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