I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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