apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
