dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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