Just cropdusted the office
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
