but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
