Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
